WHAT UP PITTSBURGH!

Before I embark on my comeback Floss, I would just like to say I am happy with all of the fan support wanting the return. That being said, please do not comment negatively about how long its been. Don't live in the past people. Here we go...please read all of the post cause the Floss knows everyone will enjoy the last part.

WHAT I'M FEELIN'
Biwwie(Billy) da kid Stull. 5th in the nation in passer efficiency. There isn't a person around who saw this coming. Not even Biwwie himself probably expected 11 TD's to 1 INT, plus a rushing TD. Coming in at 52 and 53 on the list Terrelle Pryor and Daryll Clark respectively. Who's the real Heisman contender?

WHAT I'M NOT FEELIN'
This disgusting cold the Floss has. Really it sucks because I'm not sick enough to justify skipping class and going to Student Health. I mainly avoid Student Health at all costs cause it's no fun to be overweight, chew 3 cans a week, and drink 4 nights a week most weeks. No one likes that let down. Just let the Floss get the fuckin' swine baby.

WHAT I'M FEELIN'
Big Joe's Pizzeria and Deli. None of yinz or y'all know much about this gem of an establishment that has been in Oakland since only July. A brief rundown, they sell 1 pound burgers, 24 inch hoagies, and the Panther Pie(Pepperoni, Sausage, Ham, Capicolla, Bacon, Salami, Mozzerella, Provolone). Talk about schmeaty and cheesy. Not too mention I met Big Joe, he truly is a Big Joe. Anybody with a menu as stacked as his should be a fat guy. ALWAYS trust a fat guy serving your food.

WHAT I'M NOT FEELIN'
Hippies. The G-20 really brought some terrible people into da Burgh da Burgh da Burgh and also to Oakland. Really, hippies are the worst people no doubt. Forget race, ethnicity, gender, religion, etc. I don't care, hippies are the worst. They wear old, tattered clothes. They smell like grundle mix with porta potty. They have long, grimy, sometimes braided hair. They act like they are poor and the economy is screwing them, yet they have 96 piercings and are covered in tattoos. All things that cost money. Worst people.

WHAT I'M FEELIN'
Ben Roethlisberger. He looks good this year, like really good. He won't win the MVP or probably go to the Pro Bowl, but expecting another ring is not out of the question. Plus last night, he became a member of Degeneration X. No quarterback holds that record.

WHAT I'M NOT FEELIN'
My North Carolina suit. A distant cousin of the yinzer suit, the Carolina suit the
Floss wore while visiting COF in Greensboro consisted of jeans, a tucked in white t, and a Jim Beam baseball hat. Little did I know, we went to legitimate bars where most people were in the college aged crowd and were not hicks at all. Epic Fail.

WHAT I'M FEELIN'--QUICK HITTERS
-Southern Hospitality
-Rashard Mendenhall and Mike Wallace
-Strippers
-Everything about football season
-The 2 A's I got back yesterday
-The breast cancer awareness hats in the NFL
-A return Floss

WHAT I'M NOT FEELIN'--QUICK HITTERS
-Bret Favre's success, disgusting
-Limas Sweed
-The SEC bias
-Jon Gruden as a MNF analyst minus the Pitt plug

*********EATING CHALLENGE

The Floss has scheduled an eating challenge for himself this Friday at approx. 1PM. Back to Big Joe's and his Little Joe burger. I ate one this past Friday with an order of fries. It is a legit 1 LB burger, literally no fat runs off. It was unbelievably great tasting. This Friday the Floss will be embarking on a mission to eat 2 of them. The burgers will contain cheese, onions, tomatoes, and BBQ sauce. Before anyone asks for a change of time or date, let me just say that this time was specifically chosen to keep the Floss from drinking on Thursday(money's tight) and keeping Friday open as a drinking evening, since the burgers should digest by about 7 or 8. I would love any LFOF(Loyal Followers of the Floss) who reside in Oakland to attempt to attend the event. Some potential rule items, how many minutes? Right now I'm between 32(number of oz of meat) and 60 minutes(even hour) for time. Should the Floss be forced to eat an order of fries as well? Unlimited drinks during or restricted amount of water? Look for a Friday afternoon post to summarize the event. Leave comments. Thank You.

ENDING IT RIGHT NOW

When the Floss started this blog it was a mere effort to rival the TruthBrush blog run by two of the Floss' favorite people, JahBanni(Truth Brush) or whatever he is known to you and Aimin' for Failure. It was set up to poke fun at them as well as the Floss. The FalseFloss was created for an orginal core group of LFOF(Loyal Followers of the Floss). As the Floss has grown, as has the number of LFOF. Many of the new LFOF(Mr. Shenanigans and Jesus Stanecsworth in particular, also Dub Nick) are great people who provide great commentary and insightful comments about whatever topics were addressed in the Floss.

This is the 99th post in the history of the FalseFloss. The comments section on the FalseFloss started out with about an average of maybe 2 to 3 comments per blog. Nowadays, we hit 10+ with most posts. I used to be happy about reaching 10+ comments, but it has gotten out of control. Every post has turned into a pissing match between the MC(Mad Commenter) and his weekly target(s). Truthfully, you have had about 4 funny jokes EVER. Calling you out probably will only add fuel to your fire, but I don't care because this is just getting out of hand.

Honestly, the FalseFloss is done with your bullshit. It's fucking over you piece of shit Internet tough guy. I used to be worried that the MC was a LFOF in disguise, but after the last comment in "Beard Season" I realized that you couldn't possibly be a LFOF. No one that the Floss converses with will EVER challenge the meaning of sports in today's society.

Am I a sad person because in the morning instead of watching any local or national news in the morning, I tune into Mike and Mike and listen about sports? No I'm not. Is it sad that the 3rd and 4th websites I visit each day are Pantherlair.com and Pantherdigest.com? Actually that might be sad, but it's because that DOES matter to me more than all of the other bullshit in this country. Seriously, am I supposed to wake up and care about the current political issues? Try and make a compelling argument that any of that matters more than sports. So what if I care about what 30 college players the Steelers bring to their SouthSide facilities more than who wins a local state representative election. Do I take sports to seriously? ABSOLUTELY. I will be the first to admit that sports for me turn emotional way too much when they are meant to be entertainment. However, they do mean a HELL of a lot to me. When the Steelers won the SuperBowl did it change my life in any significant way? Probably not, but I will always remember the day we took home number 6. The same way Mr. Shenanigans will remember seeing his first title in Philly's history. Not too mention these are happy moments that we will remember throughout our lives. Sports are the good memories people remember, sadly they can be cloudied by some of the sadder things that will be remembered like the shooting of the 3 Pittsburgh Police Officers. I want to tell my kids some day about Larry Fitzgerald almost ruining the Super Bowl for me, but Ben Roethlisberger leading one of the best drives EVER to win the game. Just like Mr. S will tell his kids about seeing Brad Lidge strikeout the last batter for the DRays(sure he knows the name) and the legendary call from Harry Kalas. These are the things that last on forever and ever. The way it should be.

After saying all of this, I don't even care what comments you can make. The Floss has just discovered that since the blog is essentially mine that I have all rights to delete comments made by anyone for any reason. So I would just like to let you know that your comments will not be had on the Floss any more. As the FalseFloss carries itself into and beyond the Century Mark post, we will be doing it without the MC to provide his miserable and awful commentary.

Thank You LFOF for all of your commentary over the 99 posts. Please make comments about what you would like to see in the 100th post.

WV: DoucheBag

I am glad the False Floss will continue without the comments of the MC, boy was he a DOUCHEBAG.

P.S. Not actually my Word V

BEARD SEASON

Quietly the Floss has been following the Pens this year. No love in the blog since many fans prefer the non sports posts, and the Pitt Panthers basketball run deserved all of the sports talk. Now after the best postseason(NCAA tourney), we get the second best post season, the hockey playoffs. Reasons I like the hockey playoffs more than any other playoffs:
--Number of games. With 7 game series, you are guaranteed to get to see your favorite team in at least 4 games.
--Playoff Beards. I love playoff beards in any sport.
--Short Layoffs. In the NBA, they have 3 day layoffs a lot which makes you forget about the games. It also loses the emotional connection. A day between games leads to that emotional hatred you get for the opponents.
--Hockey. It's nearly impossible to follow the hockey season due to lack of national coverage. During the playoffs, you can actually get into the playoffs. For the Floss watching other hockey teams play only once a year is pretty special.

ON TO THE FLYERS...

The hatred for the Flyers hasn't left anyone on this team or anyone in the city of Pittsburgh. This series is different than last years series in many ways. The Flyers are coming in struggling this year versus last year when they were on fire. The Pens come in this year with experience, but maybe a less talented team. The Floss was pissed when Malone left town this offseason, but has Chris Kunitz replaced him? I actually think he might be better than Malone. He is faster on skates than Malone, and he also attacks the net as much as Malone did. Kunitz has replaced him. Bill Guerin is no Marian Hossa, but he has been playing well. Plus since he wasn't really trying hard playing for the worst team in hockey, his legs should be fresh for the playoffs. I can't tell you if this year or last year's Crosby is better, but he is still Sidney Crosby. Malkin IS better than last year and he has 2 years of playoff experience under his belt which will help. Plus his line this year is probably better with Fedotenko over either Malone or Talbot last year. The Pens are also deeper this year lines 1-4. Jordan Staal had his best season and also will be in his 3rd year of playoff hockey. The same can be said for Tyler Kennedy playing his best year. The 4th line has Talbot and Dupuis on it, who were both top 2 line guys for playoff games last year. Everything looks stronger this year. On defense, we have a fresh Gonchar who hasn't played the full grind due to his injury. Kris Letang will also be playing this year, and he has also had a great year.

I think just like last year that the Pens are the only team that can beat themselves in the Eastern Conference. The only thing that scares the Floss is the lack of home ice. As for a prediction...PENS IN 5

HOOTERS

CINC had the idea for this blog today and it literally caught me as a fun topic. Does the Floss like Hooters, you may ask? Heck Yes. However, you truly can overdue Hooters. Some rules for Hooters:

1. Always and I stress always tip >20%. The Hooters tip scale starts at 20% and can only go up.

2. Don't go more than once a month. If you become a regular at a Hooters, it isn't a good thing.

3. Don't go during an important sporting event or one that could potentially become stressful. I watched the end of the 2OT loss for the Pitt hoops team to Oklahoma St. about 4 years ago in a Hooters. Straight miserable cause everyone else there is having a good time, hooting and hollering just enjoying life while your trying not to kill someone.

One of the great things about Hooters is that it literally changed a clothing outfit. No girl will ever wear short orange shorts and a white tank top together because of the perception. It's just a cool thing, kinda like the McDonalds arches. The outfit also makes a great Halloween costume for women. It also puts all of the waitresses on a completely level playing field. Sometimes girls can look hotter by using slutty gear to decieve men. However, with the standard outfits you can pick out which girl is the hottest. It's also a complete necessity that every time you go to Hooters that you pick your favorite waitress and least favorite.

What about the food at Hooters? Really it's not that good. The wings are breaded way too much. However, I know for a fact that CINC likes to order them naked which still produces a pretty good chuckle from a still very immature Floss. The sandwiches don't come with fries so you need to pay extra although they do have Waffle fries. Rule of thumb, things shaped like waffles are always good. The food at Hooters is about a 5 out of 10, but obviously the atmosphere makes up for it.

Eating at Hooters also makes for a lot of great chuckles due to the awkwardness of having the Hooters girl flirt with you the whole time. The Floss' favorite instance was when a dining companion of his pointed out to the Hooters waitress that sometimes "it's hard to get the white stuff out" when trying to open his cup of ranch dressing.

Celebrities? Please one time in Altoona, my Hooters waitress was Sean Burnett's girlfriend. Yeah that Sean Burnett, a lefty specialist in the Majors. Yeah that's right.

Kids? Yes kids are definitely allowed in Hooters. I actually think a responsible father takes their son to Hooters in or around their 13th birthday with no Mom in sight. Actually scratch that, maybe this is a job for a cool uncle. UD will definitely be my choice of uncle to take my son to Hooters. I am fully convinced that this is the reason that DDP(L) is the man he is today.

Would I let my daughter work there? Yes. One of every man's worst nightmares is having a daughter. The crazy thing is that I would let mine work at Hooters. I bet they make 40,000+ a year with no education. That would be the stipulation, my daughter would have to not made it into college or dropped out.

I think this about covers every angle that you could take at Hooters. As always I appreciate your comments.

-Floss

SEASONS OF SLUT

Can't believe the reviews the last blog got. Honestly one of my favorite blogs of all time. One reader who didn't comment did send a TM(text message for our older readers) saying it was his favorite as well. Someone asking whats going on in the watermelon dome of mine, well that's where the "Seasons of Slut" comes in. I pryed through the all the annoying knowledge I have in my brain, all the bullshit statistics swirling around, and all of the dreams of Denny's Beer Barrel Pub and the Tour de Court(saw that Lance might be out for the real Tour de France, reminded me about how the real tour should happen around the same time, plus the summer opens up free time) to come up with the "Seasons of Slut".

I came up with the "Seasons of Slut" because of the Floss' icon Bill Simmons bringing up halter top day, which occurs in April around the start of spring. Since no one in the Floss' age bracket actually uses the word halter top I thought I would put into plain English or Floss-isms the "Seasons of Slut". There are 4 seasons in a year, but 6 "Seasons of Slut".

PRIME SEASON: Prime season is the summer months June through August. June through August rule. Anywhere in the continental US you can catch girls in bikinis and outfits that barely cover themselves. In prime season, there is really nothing to complain about.

NORTHFACE SEASON: Once the NorthFace Jackets start coming out, it gets scary. You know that Prime Season is over. The Floss still likes NorthFace season. It has been said before that sweatpants and Uggz boots are a great look for girls which is why NorthFace season is still okay. It's scary that during this season, all you can really look at are girls butts in jeans. Since the Floss is a big fan of the "booty", this isn't all that bad, but still it eventually gets old looking at girls in jeans and hoodies/jackets. Falling perfectly in the middle of NorthFace Season is Halloween which could have been a season all in itself.

HIBERNATION SEASON: Living in a college town for almost 3 years now, I learned that, Yes good looking girls do indeed go away for the winter. In winter, you just pray for the semi warm(30-35 degrees) days when girls look mildly attractive. Literally, if Christmas wasn't in the middle of Hibernation Season men all over would have nothing to look forward too.

STEELER SEASON: Steeler Season obviously overlaps all of the seasons, but it generally falls in January and February when the Steeler playoff runs are occuring. The Floss wants proclaimed that girls in Steeler jerseys are an automatic add of 3 points on the 1-10 hotness scale (which for the Floss runs to about 14). The Floss will be amending this rule very very soon. We are going to start factoring in the players that the girl is wearing for the point addiction. Any girl can wear a Ben, Troy, Jerome, or Hines jersey, they are one pointers. A Santonio Holmes, James Harrison, Farrior, Willie Parker, or Heath Miller, they are two pointers. Ike Taylor is 2.4 points cause you know da bitch got swag. Rashard Mendenhall, Woodley, Timmons, and any other current Steeler are 3 pointers. Tommy Maddox is (Negative 1,000,000). The Steeler jerseys help fill in some awful time towards the end of Hibernation Season.

MYSTERY SEASON: Let's face it late February to the near end of March is a mystery. You seriously have no clue what you could possibly get. Literally you can get some really nice days where girls can go all out, but you can get days where girls might get scared and will go back into hibernation. Truthfully you can't link Mystery Season with any other season due to the crazy weather patterns. However, mid March is tourney time so you don't leave your house. March Madness. Think about it.

WELCOME BACK SEASON: Welcome Back Season is just that. It's time to welcome back those who left us in the winter. Welcome Back Season is from about April to May. Depending on the weather Welcome Back Season can start later or end early. Welcome Back Season is all about the Sluts finding their look so they can be in tip top shape for prime season. Kind of like spring training and the early months in baseball. Just getting ready for the summer months when the real season begins. The bad weather days do bring out the awful look of rain boots and umbrellas. Umbrellas make girls ten times uglier, it's just a fact.

So, LFOF(Loyal Followers of Floss), prepare yourself to Welcome Back the Sluts.