MY RESUME

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NORTH CAROLINA...WHERE THE CARS ARE CLEANER THAN THE WOMEN(PART 2)

NOW INTO THE BAR-AGE

I will give it to the erotic car wash for having a nice set up inside their car wash. There was a VIP room(shed), massage chairs(eww), and a legitimate bar. Naturally the Floss wasn't served because the mulletted man doesn't serve to underagers. If we were at Chili's or Friday's, the Floss would expect to not get served, but an erotic car wash seemed like a home run. The set-up was much like any other car wash, just an open room with hoses, buckets, and water, o my. The tables were completely separated from where the girls were washing up SFCOF's whip. We couldn't really see the girls while they washed the car, but why would we want too....

POWER RANKINGS OF CAR WASWHORES...

1. 90 LB Pound Black Girl--Naturally they don't wear name tags because where would they pin that on their bare bodies? She looked like she was either fresh out of high school or possibly still in high school. I don't know what her redeeming qualities were, but having all of her teeth definitely helped her rating. She conversed mainly with a black man who brought in his Mercedes. He definitely knew something about her that we didn't. She definitely provided extra services...
2. Red Corsette with a Gut--You might be wondering how a stripper with a gut would make the list at number 2, but that is just a testament to the quality of carwaswhores. She definitely had popped out a few kids, but had decent boobs and ass that jumped her to number 2.
3. Mommy Long Nips--One of the waswhores actually tending to our car. Her nipples looked like little pencil erasers that extended for 6 feet. Unbelievable is really the only way to describe them.
4. Short Haired Black Chick--She had nothing going for her, but she just wasn't the worst.
5. Long Haired Black Chick--She was the definition of "more cushion for the pushin'". At a solid playing weight of 245. She could have played rush end for the Carolina Panthers. She kept walking too close to me and I thought if she tripped, it might have ended for the Floss. SBT kept making fart noises when her ungodly large ass would squeeze past all of us. Comedy was really high.
6. Crack Whore--Probably the only way I could accurately describe this beauty. She was an experienced vet at probably 40, but from all the crack looked 50 to 60. Unlike a fine wine, age did not help her out. She asked us why we didn't want to get dances, probably because we didn't want: A) Crack, B) Cocaine, C) Aids, D) Herpes, or E) All of the above plus every other STD.

CAR WASH SKILLS

The area where I figured the carwaswhores would struggle was actually their strong suit. Honestly, before going into the car wash, I figured we would actually need to go to a real car wash after just so it would look respectable to SFCOF. These girls actually did an excellent job washing the car. They actually did break out Armor All for the tires. Highlight of the day was when Mommy Long Nips called over CINC about something with the car. CINC had his goofy smile on while the rest of us sat up in our seats waiting to see what was going to happen next. Mommy Long Nips apparently is a Nascar fan because she noticed while watching the tires that the brakes in the car were very worn and would probably need replacing. This turned out to be the case for SFCOF two weeks later. I'm just glad we didn't have to stay there and watch Mrs. Long Nips install the new brakes. So next time you see an erotic car wash, pass. Just wait for your local high school cheerleader's car wash. The girls are way more illegal, but way hotter.

NORTH CAROLINA...WHERE THE CARS ARE CLEANER THAN THE WOMEN

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GUINS '08 PREVIEW

When does hockey end and start? The Floss doesn't know. Hockey might have snuck up more on me than jock itch at these September Pitt games. Can't believe that the Pens will drop the puck tomorrow in Stockholm against the Senators. While the Floss doesn't know too much about hockey, he would love to weigh in his thoughts on the upcoming season.

FORWARDS

The top line for the Pens will look completely different other than the Kid in the middle. This line took a huge HUGE hit in free agency. To think that Fedotenko and Satan can even come close to the production of Malone and the TRAITOR is crazy. This line will take a long time to develop. I don't expect much from this line until about game 15 or 20. The 2nd line will need to produce a LOT for this team to win games early this season. No hiding the fact that the Floss is a BIG BIG fan of Jordan Staal, and this is his year to score a TON of points playing alongside a stud like Geno and a scorer like Peter Syk. I expect nothing short of great things from this line. The third line will be interesting. It will probably be lined up as Cooke-Talbot-Dupuis. If there was ever a more grind it out line anywhere I would like to see it. This line will be a glue line. Mad Max can get this line points and Dupuis has some scoring ability if he can hit the damn net. Cooke? Well he is a mystery to me since the Floss doesn't follow enough hockey. I don't know how much production to expect from a 4th line seeing as it is a 4th line. Kinda sad that Finnish scoring sensation Janne Pesonen is playing on the eastern side of the state to start the year. The 4th line in Stockholm tomorrow will be everyone's favorite junkyard dog TK, Tyler Kennedy with new muscle man, goon Eric Godard and Jeff Taafe. Taafe is a nice player and this line could actually produce if they had another scorer instead of Goony Godard. He better seriously beat some ass because I hate goons in hockey. The bottom line is that our team will score. Maybe not as much as last year, but we will still put our fair shares of goals in the net. We will miss Malone and TRAITOR, but really who doesn't think Malkin and Crosby won't pick it up. A full year of Crosby and Malkin means we can do a lot of special things. The only question is which one for NHL MVP?

DEFENSEMEN

Gonch bein down for 4 to 6 months is a huge blow. He was always one of the Floss' favorite Pens. Someone will need to step up to be the point man on the power play. I don't know who will be the defenseman in the man up. Early guess would be Letang with Malkin definitely playin up top. The defense pairings are anyones guess. I would imagine Orpik-Scud, Gil-Tanger, Eaton-Goli. Those are my top 6, how Thierren matches them up is anyones guess. The D should be solid again. Goli is my new homeboy, so he better dress over Sydor. I hate his old ass legs even though he played well in the playoffs when called upon. The return of Eaton could really boost the team. He is good when healthy. Orpik better prove that his 15 SECONDS of fame were worth all the cash he got this offseason. Hal Gil hopefully will kill someone this year and live up to his full potential. Scud hopefully will prove that '07 wasn't a fluke and he can't revert back to his form when he played with Josef Melichar. Letang is poised to break out. Expect him to help fill Gonch's void.

GOALIE

Flower is a beast. I hate the nickname, but Bob Errey says it way too good. So I will stick with it. He just needs to come to play every day. I hated letting a proven player like Conklin go for such little money in favor of Sabourin. Sabourin sucks. Hopefully our offense comes to play when he is out there.

PROJECTIONS

I hate to say it, but I don't think we go back to the Cup. Not this year. We need another crop of free agency and some development for a few young guys away. Barring major industry or Marc Andre Fleury developing Pat Bostick's mental stability, the Pens are definitely a playoff team. I think the Pens will definitely get over 100 points. I see them as probably the 5ish seed. I don't really have a scouting report on our division, but I don't think we will win it. I could see the Pens struggling "gelling" early on. In the playoffs, I foresee a 2nd round loss to someone. But thats why they play the games...to prove the FLOSS WRONG.

MAN OF MY WORDS

Thank You Uncle Dave. 2 wins over top 10 teams in your last 6 games as Pitt head coach. Now let's win the Big East.

SHORT, QUICK GAME THOUGHTS

-I know most of you don't want too many of these, so here are a few.
-Jon Baldwin, welcome to college football
-Shady beasted last night. He needs to keep running like he did last night.
-I came around a lot to Bill Stull last night. He ran the team. He made good throws except a few early in the game.
-The way the staff is using Larod is brilliant. He should get a space on the athletes walk outside of the Cathedral. Classy player.
-O-Line did a nice job again. Probably about 3 sacks given up, but factor in the near 2 bills on the ground.
-Scott McKillop is better than HB Blades ever was. See him on Sundays next fall.
-The D-Line was fantastic with 4 sacks last night.
-Dom Decicco, ARMY OF ONE
-Congrats team. 16 Days 'til Navy. No hangover...

TOP 5 HANGOVER FOODS

5. PANCAKES- Just like pancakes sop up syrup, they also do a good job with alcohol. They are light, fluffy, and delicious. Floss loves them at any time, but they do especially well with hangovers. Best kind hungover are probably blueberry. Reason why? Everyone knows putting a good thing like fruit in your body immediately offsets some bad. Duh?

4. CHINESE- It was my first asian. It took me until college to try out the Asian hangover remedy of lo mein, but it's a deadly deadly combination. Usually I go with beef lo mein with rice on the side. The flavors are perfect for hangovers for some reason. I know one of DROF's favorite things is the Won-Ton soup to help ease the cloudy pipes. Only problem with chinese food is that it might come out pretty deadly. No one likes to have the runs with a headache. No one.

3. McDONALDS(lunch)- For some reason I get McDonalds hungover more when I'm in Murrysville for the summer, rather than when I live a hop, skip, and a jump away. Your ultimate grease fiesta. Plus with Powerade flowing from the soda fountain, Mac D's is a completely viable option. What does the Floss eat you may wonder? 2 plain McChickens, 2 plain DBC's(double cheeseburgers), and a large fry. Shabooya.

2. HOAGIES- Little Nippers provides the best with their buffalo chicken hoagie. Buffalo fries can cure any sickness. It has the spice to wake you up, the bread to sop up the booze, and the chicken for your protein. Boom. Winner Winner BUFF CHICK dinner. Souf Oakland Steaks is also very tasty, but you worry too much about mess with them. They taste better drunk because being messy drunk is fun. Hungover, who wants to clean up? However, hung over they still solve a lot of life problems.

1. SHEETZ- I mean really, could their be another choice than Sheetz for the top spot? The Floss really misses Sheetz right now bein in Oaktown. You can always get breakfast here which is huge. The chicken biscuit with cheese and ketchup rules. A very deadly combo that people need to try: Pretzel Melts. A pretzel melt with ham, hot pepper cheese, green peppers, and the clutch as hell salsa. Try it. You won't regret it. Not too mention Sheetz garlic fries. You go from bad breath(boozy) to worse breath(boozy and garlicky). Plus Sheetz covers all your favorite hangover beverages.

26-21

-Floss

As an addendum to the blog, the Floss would also like to add a disclaimer that the chew following any of these meals is a big thing. So really when factoring in these rankings, just think of 1A-SKOAL. I think we all know why.

THE FLOSS IS BACK IN TOWN

110 Days. That was how long the Floss made you wait. For this I apologize. But as usual the Floss will make "false" promises. If the Pitt Panthers win this week, I will update the blog everyday until their season ends. A loss, the Floss will do his best.

So for your reading pleasure, the Floss' 33.333333% season grades:

QUARTERMAN: Bill Stull was Wanny's guy from day one, don't you think he would have been a little bit better? He has a candy arm, can't throw a deep ball in bounds, and he doesn't have any running ability. All that being said, I don't know if anyone of our quarterbacks could be better right now. The Floss was in the very small Pat Bostick camp all off season, and I wanted him to get a shot again. In college football, future is important. Stull has one more year, and he will be the starter barring injury, which will only hurt this team. He won't have a big offseason, he will just continue his mediocrity. Bill Stull will never have that "it" factor to get your team a win. Tyler Palko had "it", think Notre Dame, it was his "fuckin" team. Will Bill Stull ever grasp the whole team? No.

GRADES: Stull--C, Cross--A

RUNNIN BACK Y'ALL: Shady McCoy was a Heisman candidate before the season started, but he quickly lost all hope after the loss to Bowling Green. Shady has been decent this year, but he didn't really change much for the better in the offseason. He still has his big runs, but I expected more. LaRod is my offensive captain and MVP right now. Dude is ballin' out of control.

GRADES: Shady--B, LaRod--A+

FULLBACK: Pitt really does have weapons here, sorry no one knows about them. Redge has dropped some passes, but I can't warrant a grade.

GRADES: N/A, Thanks Uncle Dave

TIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHHT ENDS: Another position where we have the ballers, but we don't know how to use them. I am currently looking up the statistics of the tight ends on this team. The Floss is going to be very pissed at the results. Yep, pretty pissed. Currently Nate Byham is on pace for a startlingly low 24 grabs. So math majors, 2 catches a game, for a kid that is a leader on the field, works hard, doesn't quit, etc. UN-ACCEPTABLE. Dorin Dickerson, the former savior, is on pace for 18 catches. This is all due to Uncle Dave and Cav's hate to throw the ball over the middle of the field.

GRADES: A-minus to both, they do it when they get the chances.

WIDE RECIEVERS: One of the best positions for the Panthers going into the season has been a huge flop. However, the main reason is coaching. Oderick Turner is a CANCER for this team. He is like the ulcer on collective dippers' lips. He sucks. Drops more than he catches and in his 3 years playing, he may have made one great play. Kinder bounced back nicely from injury, but he doesn't look like the same guy who scored that 80 yard TD against Cincinatti 2 years ago. Ced Mcgee has been pretty money, which is why we call him Ced Money. TJ has continued to make plays. His only knack is that he loves getting in the dogghouse, or the Wannhouse. Jonathan Baldwin was the 2nd most heralded recruit of the Wanny era only behind Shady(and it was damn close). Yet he has been on the field very few. Pray that he gets on the field against the Bulls.

O-LINE: Actually the line has been decent. If they were this good last year, Patty B would still be the starter. All I know is that Joe Thomas gets better every week, thank god. Malecki has been solid. Houser has been an upgrade over Vangas. CJ is CJ. Pinky is good. They are formidable. Hard for the Floss to evaluate the line, although they did help us get nearly 250 bills on the ground against D-1AA Syra-lose.

GRADES: C+, could be a lot worse

D-LINE: The strength of the D, preseason was the interior, but they have just been okay sans Mick Williams. However, due to a mysterious(possibly Buddy Morris) factor, they are always fresh at the end of the game. Wanny does a solid job rotating 5 guys there. Just a solid middle. The ends are getting better week by week. All I have to say about the ends is this: Pre-game Thursday night, people will be talking Selvie, post-game it will be Romeus and Sheard. Dudes are beasts and T-Tuck has been better than expected.

GRADES: B+

BACKERS: Tough position to evaluate due to 2 starters being out. Scott McKillop has won BE defensive player of the week twice, we know dat dude. Greg Williams probably will be a 4 year starter. He was awesome against Iowa. Austin Ransom flys to the ball and probably shouldn't be out there on Thursday. He has played solid. Say it a million times, Fields at LB against spread teams.

GRADES: B

SECONDARY: Aaron Berry has been a good player for this team now for two years. He is a solid B grade so far. Much like Tony Tucker, Jovani Chappel has been a very pleasant surprise this year. Safeties have been shaky at best. First it was the Dom Decicco fiasco in the first two games, now he is the man. Elijah Fields looked to be the answer until he goes and gets pissed on against 'Cuse. Basically they both have shown flashes, and will be good. Eric Thatcher is still 5'9 and 175 pounds. He doesn't tackle particularly well and doesn't really make big plays. Thatch is also as intimidating as Clay Aiken .

GRADES: B--Corners, C-minus--Safeties

COACHING: My favorite thing about the coaching staff, is well...nothing. Okay maybe the D-Line rotations. On offense, I hate how vanilla we are. I hate how they refuse to play Jonathan Baldwin, although this is rapidly changing. I hate how they continue to play Oderick Turner, who either doesn't try or just blows. I hate how we are the only team in college football who doesn't get creative. I hate how our most successful offensive formation last year, the Wildcat, has been X-ed out of the offense. Things I like, they run the ball a lot. I actually believe in running the ball. Clock management isn't as important in college as the pros, but with our kind of offense it is. I just wish they would use Redge, Hyno, Collier, and Shariff Harris. None of them can redshirt, so give them a few chances to shine. On defense, I hate how we stay in the base defense unless it is a clear cut nickel or dime situation. Mix up the fronts, play some more corners, I don't know, just changing it up will help. Pitt has just lucked out three weeks in a row on defense because they played pro style offenses instead of playing spread teams that can spread out a 4-3. Obviously the 4-3 hurt us against Bowling Green, where their spread attack dinked and dunked all the way down the field. Remaining on the schedule, Pitt plays 2 true spread teams(WVU, USF), 3 Pro Styles(Rutgers, ND, and Cinci), 1 good tweener offense(Uconn), 1 average tweener offense(The L), and whatever Navy runs. So basically unless we adjust to teams, our defense really only matches up fine with 3 of the 8 remaining teams. This coaching staff has actually earned some credibility the past three weeks, but in true Wanny fashion, I expect a heavy dose of Fuck Up.

GRADES: C-MINUS--WANNY, C-MINUS--CAV, C--BENNETT

UN-BEAT-A-BULLS

South Florida is undefeated and the clear cut favorite to win the Big East(watch out for Uconn though), but this Pitt team is ready. They laid a BIG BIG egg in week one against Bowling Green, but since have bounced back. The wins weren't all that pretty, but when Wannstedt only had 13 wins vs. D1 opponents in 3 years, a win is a win. Plus we have hit some milestones this year. Wanny won his first off a bye week. We beat a Big 11 team for the first time in Wanny's tenure. We came back from 8 points down in the fourth quarter at Syracuse and won by 10. The Floss actually likes our chances this week. I wish I knew how healthy George Selvie was because if he is less than 70%(still probably better than Joey T and probably Pinky), Pitt should run at him the whole first half. Our offense will not be able to keep up(understatement of the year). What we do have is a good running game. Do you remember West Virginia, when we just kept the ball out of their hands most of the game? Exactly what we need to do again. This could be a Wanny type game to win because his pro mentality is the right idea. Come out, run the ball, win the field position game, and score when the opportunities are there. In a perfect World, Pitt will control the ball something like 18-12(minutes) in the first half and be tied or within 7. A lead would actually be bad for the Panthers to have in this game. Seriously. A lead just leads(pun not intended) to extra conservative on both sides of the ball. Like I said, more runs on offense aren't a bad thing as long as we get a few yards a pop. 3rd and longs murder any team, but I don't want Billy getting blitzed too much. But the D can't just sit back and let them take what they want from 20 to 20. That is the main problem with our D, we don't come out aggressive til we are pinned back by our goal line. Like I said, Pitt cannot jump out to a big lead. I would rather deal with their overrated crowd than watch our D sit back. So 3 keys to the game:

1. Score when the opportunities are there (7's not 3's)
2. Be aggressive on D
3. Run the football

RANT OF THE DAY

I was at the Steeler game the other night and the fans booed Ben Roethlisberger. You don't boo Ben. You don't boo Ben. You don't boo Ben. He won the Steelers' their only Super Bowl in the last nearly 30 years. He had 35 touchdowns last year, won the division, and should have won the playoff game. Steeler fans love the backup, but really Lord Byron. We aren't in the MAC here. Remember Kent Graham, Jim Miller, Mike Tomczak, Queerdell, Tommy Gun. Booing Ben Roethlisberger is like booing your mother after one bad dinner. She's brought you this far and your going to get that upset over one turkey casserole gone wrong. Grow the fuck up.

BACK AGAIN

The NHL Playoffs were severly draining to not only the Pens, but the Floss as well. Looking back, it happened really fast, but what a ride the Pens had. I didn't expect Detroit's experience to kill the Pens as much as it did. The home ice was a huge factor too. If we start in the 'Burgh and take 1 of 2, I think the series might have went differently, but the Wings earned everything they got. Too many great memories from this season to think of. I never associated the start of summer with hockey in my life, but I have a feeling that Crosby and Co. will change that for the next 10 to 15 years of my life.

SHHHH....DON'T TELL ANYONE, BUT THE PIRATES ARE A BASEBALL TEAM

Did anyone even know baseball was going on during the hockey playoffs, probably not, but the Pirates actually are fielding a team...IN JUNE. It might seem stupid to get excited about a 33-34 baseball team on June 13th, but honestly why not? If the Pirates reach .500 tonight, it would be the first time since 1999 they had been .500 this late in a season. It might seem like a very marginal accomplishment, but anything that could happen for the first time in 9 years is worth noting. The Pirates have a chance at 2 All Stars, possibly 3 if the X-Man, N-Dog, and J Bay tear it up for the next month. Scary as it may sound, the Pirates hitting nucleus is quite solid. This team really does have talent. If Doumit can improve his defense, he becomes one of the best all around not just power hitting catchers in baseball. Steady Freddy is going to give you close to .300 and 75 RBI's a year. Jack Wilson is Mr. Dependable at short. A low average, great defensive player. Bay, Nate, and Nady are one of the top outfields in the NL, probably all of baseball. The offense only has 2 holes, both corners of the infield. Adam LaRoche should be benched and possibly burned in hell because he is such a disappointment. Jose Bautista is average, but hasn't been consistent enough. The Pirates have no immediate player to step in at third for the long term. Just stop gaps such as Gomez or Go Home and Doug "not even trying to spell that one". Doug ManCaveItch has added a grit to this team. Any player that will come out and call out dirty, trailer trash Randy Johnson is good in my book. So third base looks like it will be Pedro Alvarez if the Bucco's sign him(if they don't, there should be a boycott). Don't count out Pitt's own Jimmy Negrych, a 5'9, 3 or 2B player who is currently at tops of the Carolina League in high A ball with an average of .358, .15 points higher than Matt Wieters. He has over 20 more bases than anyone on the Lynchburg Hillcats as well. Sorry for the Pitt plug. To go into the pitching situation would be more difficult than conducting triple bypass surgery. It is a very fragile situation that will ultimately bring this team out of legitimate contention for a wild card spot. Steve Blass was saying on air the other day that a few years ago the Pirates popped champagne bottles in the Chicago Cubs visitor lockerroom's because they guaranteed less than 90 losses. So for anyone discounting how big .500 is to this team is just FUCKING lying to themselves. LETS GO BUCS. WE BELIEVE.

KOBE

Kobe Bryant is one of my favorite NBA players. I used to buy into the MJ comparison. Not after last nights performance. You can't just look at the numbers either. Re-watch the last minute or so, Kobe is sleeping. MJ wouldn't have let that happen.

SIDENOTE ON BSV'S

Today the Floss got the ears lowered at a SuperCuts. As the sexy, dirty haircutter was cutting my hair, a thought popped into my head. She would make a great BSV. She talks longer to her clients than a BSV needs too. No offense to her or hairdressers as a whole, but stereotypically they are just as trashy as most BSV's. This could work out well.

-Flosssssssssssin'