MAILBAGGERY

The Floss' second ever mailbag. First I would like to thank everyone that asked questions. Let's get the ball rollin'...

Are you excited to eat my meat?
--One of Five Guys Now Living in Murrysville

Quite frankly, NO. What kind of lame name is that? For a dumb question and name like that, the Floss is sentencing you to 5 minutes in a cage with James Harrison and Lamar Woodley.

Hey it's D. Dix, just wondering who the Floss views as the 'Best Dixon In Pittsburgh' these days?
--Assuming this is Dorin

Sorry Dorin and Dennis, but the realest Dixon in this town is the least black and athletic. Jamie Dixon is getting mad props from pundits around the country. Can this be the year Pitt gets past the Sweet Sixteen?

Floss, we getting past the Sweet Sixteen nigga! Sorry for almost running you over every morning in my yellow Hummer.
--Dejuan Blair

One of the Floss' biggest fans seems to think so.

If the Floss was the last person on earth what 5 things would he make sure he had at his disposal? -fof

This was an interesting question. I'm going to leave this to non-humans because if humans got involved this question would be harder than you can even think. The 5 Things:

1. Case of Dos Equis(assuming I'm on an island)
2. Handle of Jim Beam(great shot liquor)
3. Log of Skoal Mint
4. A Denny's Beer Barrel Pub 15 pound hamburger
5. Loaded Gun

I figure if the other 4 things don't kill me, I will still have a gun. The Floss ain't living as the last person on Earth, sorry. So the Floss would enjoy the beer, beam, chew, and burger, then put the gun to his head and say sianara. The Floss would also attempt to blog the whole event in the sand, however, the booze and laziness would set in as usual.

Although after discussing this question with fof he thought this question could bring a full floss in itself i will ask anyways. What are your top 3 drunk stories? B MAN

This could definitely be a full blog. Most of the Floss' drunk stories are too hazy to really write down. The best one is the Elevator story that was already blogged about. I will just give one more that the Floss has heard enough about that he can fully tell the tale with success...

The first Steeler game of the 2006-2007 season was against the Miami Dolphins. It was a Thursday night game where the Steelers were getting annointed as the defending Super Bowl Champs. Naturally the tailgating gang(RIP) got together and CINC threw down a seafood tailgate in honor of the Dolphins. The Floss pregamed the tailgate with DROF, then went down to the game. The shot of the day was Jose Cuervo, which the Floss has drank approximately 4 times in his life, and is currently batting .000 with good old Jose, which is ironic because of the popularity of baseball in Latin America, but I digress. There was also a bottle of Captain Morgan, which the Floss also remembers fooling around with on that day. The last thing I remember from the tailgate was eating shrimp that may or may not have fallen on the ground(hazy part of story). Then the Floss went into the game. Sidenote: The next parts of this story were told to Floss by others. DROF and CINC had sold their tickets so the Floss had no baby sitter while in the stadium. Apparently Jerome Bettis drove a school bus onto the field something I don't remember. The best part was actually the next week at the game when I returned to my seats, taking a ton of shit from everyone around me. The guy next to me wants to show me a picturefrom the week before...UH OH. It is a picture of his 2 HOT TWIN DAUGHTERS posed on both sides of the Floss with french fries that they stuck in my nose and ears. I wish this wasn't true.

What does The Floss, realllllly want to be when he grows up? And if you say a fucking accountant ill beat the shit out of you. -CINC

Not a logistics coordinator in a small southern city. The Floss has always wanted to be a sports agent, however, law school scares the shit out of the Floss. I figure crunch some numbers til I'm 30 and have money. Go to law school, work at a sports agency, then become an independent agent by the time I'm 40. Then I make loot cause naturally I'm illegally giving funds to all of the Pitt football players fresh off Wanny's 12th National Title. They go as top 40 picks. Then we marry a hot 27 year old, make some babies. I work til I'm 60, retire, and have the rest of my life to gamble in Vegas, sit on the beaches in Cali, and go to all Pitt and Steeler athletic events that I can. 2nd Choice would probably be a mime because I could never see myself have a job where I have to stay quiet all day.

What are the chances the Floss experiences one of his hangovers on the way to cincy? What are the expectations of the floss this weekend? What are the odds for each person in the car on who will be arrested? I'm giving Shenanigans (3 to 2) Foss (12 to 1) The Floss (6 to 1) Nasty Nate (2 to 1) -Shenanigans

The hangover actually has a near zero percent chance as the Floss plans on watching your Shenanigans and being prepared and ready to drive if necessary. The Floss will not be staying up all night Friday, he might not even have a drink. The Floss really cares about 3 things all weekend, everything else is a bonus:
1. We get to Cinci without a hitch and get the tickets as well
2. Pitt beats Cinci
3. No arrests

I don't care if we sleep in the car. I don't care if nothing is going on Saturday night cause PussyCat fans are masturbating in their own tears. The Floss just wants to get there, watch Pitt, and not get arrested. This does not mean the Floss will not be drinking. The Floss will be drinking a lot. A lot a lot.

As for your arrest percentages, they are all way too high. They look something like this to me:
Shenanigans (10 to 1)
Foss (15 to 1)
PnR (25 to 1)
Floss (50 to 1)
Foss is a dark horse due to his love of the blackout and he has no sense of responsibility. PnR can drink so much that he should be fine. Myself, I'm just worried about not fighting. You, Shenanigans, ball's in your court.

What does the Floss think needs to be done to correct the refs in the NFL? Way to many blow calls this year. Are the NFL refs taking pointers from the NBA? FFOF

First of all, the NFL really needs to somehow figure out how to clean the Steeler game mess up. Honestly, 66 more million dollars on the Steelers, and thats just legal money. They call 2 penalties on SD and 13 on Pittsburgh. They got away with the Troy TD because not that many fans really understood the gambling aspect. The NBA is probably easier to fix. I think with the penalty calls, they might have been taking some pointers from the NBA. The real problem with referees is their lack of pay. They work very hard and are considered part time employees. They all carry other jobs. Honestly, they put too much time and effort into a very underpaid job. Think of all the money made on football. You can't tell me we can't hire NFL refs for between 250,000 and 500,000 dollars. Give them a strong union like the players get. BTW, who are you FFOF?
If the Floss could reproduce with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
--Anonymous

Naturally the Floss would want a good mother as well. Britney Spears is not in the running. Sadly, neither is the Floss' favorite celebrity Kim Kardasian because of the Ray Jay video. Neither is Vanessa Hudgens(yummy) because of her boobs being on the Internet. Megan Fox's tattoos set her back. Sophia Bush(Brooke, One Tree Hill) is up there. The winner here though is Taylor Swift. She really has no flaws. The only negative is if we had a boy, he could grow up to be a singer and maybe a gay. However, the Floss is still the big winner since he gets to nail Taylor Swift.

Now my mailbags are the 2nd best on the Internet. :(
--Bill Simmons

Word.