In case you haven't heard, they are coming. Do you know where the aliens are coming from? Not Dr. Of's backyard. They are coming from the NBA. The NBA? Yep. The new power couple in America: KhLodom. Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom will produce a child at some point. The only question is, will it be an alien? The Floss doesn't believe in paranormal life at all, but really if it exists it will come from these two. The alien spawn will be conceived and birthed at Staples Center, which ironically looks like a UFO. The best part about this baby is that Ron Artest and Kim Kardashian could be the god parents. Like this script was written by a Hollywood director right? Apology on the 3-7
The Floss picks didn't hit this weekend. However, the Floss did end up switching the Cardinals and Eagles and won some money. Sorry to anyone who legitimately backed the Floss picks. They will be back on Friday of this week. There are some ones that I like a good bit.
Baseball
Phillies in 7. Call it a hunch. I'm strongly backing the Yankees, but I just see a choke job for some reason.
Underrated Lunch of the Day
2 Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, pack of cheese crackers, and a glass of ginger ale. If I had oreo's this day would rule.
Halloween
Since this weekend is Halloween, the Floss needs a costume. I would love suggestions from any of the LFOF. Little list to close it out. Top 5 Candies to collect door to door (obviously sizes can't be taken into question, cause full size anything was the bomb):
5. Tootsie Rolls--Probably the only time I would eat them all year. 4. Ring Pops--They were awesome. Everyone loves ring pops. 3. Kit Kat Bars--Just Cause. 2. Caramello--Such an underrated candy bar. A Floss fav. 1. Reese's Cups--The best chocolate bar in the entire world.
First off, thanks for the patience. The Floss just finished a 6 page paper on Japanese economy in the late 19th century. Adjusting my writing style for school work was difficult, but when you've ate 2 Little Joe's, anything is POSSSSSSSSIBBBBLLLLLEEEEE(KG reference). Now onto some chatter....
HOMECOMING THOUGHTS
The Floss is 1-2 in Homecoming games in his student career here. SIDENOTE: This is also the ugliest crop of Queen candidates ever. Seriously, there are colleges with less than 1000 students who could string 8 prettier girls together. 2006 and 2008 were crap the bed vs. Rutgers games. 2007 was the upset against Cincinnati. This years game is bigger than the Floss can even make it. It's finally getting to the point in the Wanny era where every game is a HUGE game. We aren't playing for moral victories any more. Pitt is about to join the big boys. Some of the B11 readers out there might laugh at the fact that Pitt considered road wins at Louisville and Rutgers quality wins. However, the road is always tough in college football. See Seattle and West Lafayette. Not too mention, Pitt lost to an embarassingly bad NC St. team in Raleigh this year. It is hard to win on the road. Pitt is back in the top 20, ranked 19th and 20th. If they can win against USF(a quality, but very beatable opponent), the Floss calculates Pitt has a Greg Romeus (91%) chance at remaining in the top 20 until Nov. 14th when the Irish come to town. Pitt could even be in the top 15 by then. ND should win out until that date, which could lead to GAMEDAY in Pittsburgh. Being in the top 25 keeps your team on the bottom line all week, sways recruits, yada yada. This WIN is a MUST. This WIN WILL HAPPEN.
STEEL CITY DRINKING TEAM Jeff Reed's latest incident is an embarassment, blah blah blah. Only in Pittsburgh is this really a big deal. So what, he got in a cops face. He deserves to be bigger than the law in Pittsburgh, it's rules. I'm more worried about the loss he brought us in Chicago. Matt Spaeth, peeing in public in the North Shore, I'm on board. If Heath wasn't having a career year, you'd be my favorite Steeler. You are at least ahead of David Johnson. On the real though, expect a big statement this week by the Steel Curtain. Minnesota is begging to lose football games at this point. Bret Favre is making way way too many plays. AD is banged up. Parker and Mendenhall are both running well. Ben looks real nice right now. Steelers in a rout this week: 34-14.
GAMBLING
After the Floss hit his CFB GOY last week with Cincinnati, he missed a big play on the Bolts Monday. So play what you want, fade what you want. I'll throw 5 CFB games (mostly top 25 and TV games) and 5 NFL games (always SNF and MNF) per week. Never the Steelers or Panthers.Confidence Levels next to them, scale of 1 to 10. COLLEGE
Fla St. (+2.5) OVER at North Carolina 5 Wash (+10) OVER Oregon 8 Iowa (Pick) OVER at Mich St. 7 Notre Dame (-7.5) OVER BC 8 Kansas (+7.5) OVER Oklahoma6 NFL Giants (-7) OVER Cardinals 7 Redskins (+7) OVER Eagles 3 Colts (-13.5) OVER at Rams 5 Raiders (+6.5) OVER Jets 5 Dolphins (+6.5) OVER Saints9
The Floss learned a lot about hangovers in the aftermath of the battle vs. the Big Joe burgers...FOOD HANGOVERS. I have had some drinking ones in my day and a few of the Food Hangovers, so here are some of the levels of food hangovers, now promptly referred to as FANGOVERS.
CHINESE BUFFET
The Floss loves himself some chinese buffets. The fact that I'm never ballsy enough to get out of the control of the powerful General Tso or his favorite side dish beef lo mein makes buffets great. You can learn all about pepper steak, sweet and sour chicken, and spring rolls. The problem is that you just eat soooooo much. Normally topped off with some varying ridiculous chinese dessert(see Chinese doughnuts). The aftermath of the Chinese Fangover is not fun because your stomach doesn't really hurt too too bad. Probably because all of the food is a fake fill. A fake fill describes how you can eat so much, but still be hungry in t minus 2 hours. However, the porcelain god feels the aftermath of this Fangover. <4>4 you're at the Golden Palace in Oakland.
COLLEGE BUFFET
Everyone has been to a college buffet. The rumor is that they put laxative in all of the food so you get rid of it the natural way before you vomit it up like a shot of warm Black Velvet on a kitchen counter. The Floss doesn't believe in the laxative myth, but last night I had a different reaction to the college buffet. I ate a pretty decent amount of food, but nothing out of the ordinary. When I got home it was literally straight to bed. I just passed out for 2.5 hours from 8:45 to 11:15 PM. It was so weird. The symptoms of the college buffet Fangover are pretty hit or miss. Who knows what your getting (kind of like the Steelers in the 4th quarter)?
STEAKHOUSE
The steakhouse fangover is a stomach sickness that no one should feel. If you're doin it the right way, you are going to Texas Roadhouse. The Floss loves himself some TRH. You start by waiting with about 1 LB of peanuts, then move onto about 4 to 17 rolls with Ben Godlisberger's duck butter on it (yeah I said it). Then usually a bowl of chili followed by a 12 to 16 oz steak with the bacon and cheese topping plus a sweet potato. Literally, I have been incapacitated and unable to drive home from the Roadhouse. The stomach takes a while to come back to Earth after a steakhouse trip.
BIG JOE FANGOVER
This was an unprecedented hangover for the Floss. Literally, moving became way more difficult than after any amount of alcohol. After couching it for about 4 hours, I finally had to make some bathroom trips. It was a lot of bathroom trips for one day. Describing the amount of weight in my stomach is literally impossible. It was unlike any feeling I've ever felt.
Live Update: 12:43, OA(Oakland Arsonist) is watching Aladdin and asked the Floss what he would wish for?
Well, this is the event we have all been waiting for…
David vs. Goliath, Floss vs. 2 lb. burgers and an order of fries
The burgers are enormous, much bigger than I had anticpated.The competition will start at 2:03 PM and Floss will have until 2:43 to finish.
2:00 Floss is pacing back and forth across his living room
2:01 Floss takes a pre-meal pee
2:03 and we are off, Floss goes right into it, almost like he’s done this before in his dreams. He decided to attack the first burger head on, ignoring the fries.I like this strategy for Floss, he’s getting the mountains of meat out of the way right off the bat.
2:05 I’m not sure if Floss realizes he has 40 minutes, he is taking it to the burger right now.At this point in the contest, It doesn’t look like the burgers stand a chance.This man is focused, he’s on a mission to do the unthinkable.
2:06 Floss goes after his first French fry. ONE BURGER DOWN.Wow, this could get ugly for the 2nd burger.
2:07 The preparation of the 2nd burger begins (with addition of BBQ sauce) while he takes on a few more fries.
2:08 2nd burger is underway. This looks like it could be and Ohio State BCS game performance for the burgers.
2:09 The great preparation and game planning by Floss seems to be paying dividends here in the first quarter (first 10 minutes) of this contest.
2:10 Floss is slowing down a bit, almost as if he knows he has this game won.He is now complaining about the cooking of Big Joe on the 2nd burger; it is too well-done for Floss.
2:11 Floss goes after more fries, the 2nd burger is 1/3 complete.Half of the fries have been downed by the big man.
2:12 Floss takes apart the 2nd burger and is eating it in sections.He seems to be taking a page of the Joey Chestnut playbook here folks, we’ll see how this strategy pays off for him.
2:13 An admission from Floss that he is beginning to feel the effects of mountain of meat.
2:14 Another complaint that the burger is burned, more on this later but it looks as if Floss is preparing a potential excuse if he doesn’t pull through and finish.
2:15 Heavy breathing from Floss and a few coughs.
2:16 A solid break from the action here, Floss is drinking some water and taking in some TV
2:17 He claims he isn’t that full, but he believes his major stumbling block moving forward is that he feels fatigued; there has been a lot of action for this man’s jaw today folks.
2:18 “I’m just thinking about the can of Skoal at the end of the tunnel.” – Ryan Floss. I’m pretty sure he just won over the entire American population with that quote, or at least he won me over.
2:19 A few more fries are gone.This contest has approached a slow crawl at this point. There is a quarter of the final burger remaining and about 20 fries.
2:20 More fries for Floss, that seems to be his strategy here in the 2nd quarter.
2:21 A little burger action, every bite counts at this stage of the game.
2:22 There isn’t much left for Floss to take in at this point, but he seems content taking his time.
2:23 It is halftime folks. There is only a few bites left and Floss is upbeat.
2:25 Floss is back at it after what seemed to be his halftime break of a minute.
2:27 Not a lot of focus in this room, Floss is engaging in conversation and doesn’t seem to be too interested in the limited amount of food left in front of him.
2:28 A couple more bites from Floss
2:29 “This is so frustrating” – Ryan Floss.Maybe the food is getting to him.He is beginning to psych himself out.I can’t say that I am surprised by this, this is classic Floss.
2:30 Some slow bites from Floss, there is only 5 bites total (burger and fries) left.
2:31 Another break for Floss.
2:32 A solid burp, and he is back at it.A couple more fries down. 3 bites left.
2:33 3rd quarter is over, 3 bites still remain. 10 minutes left.
2:34 The 2nd burger is finished! 2 fries remain.
2:35 Floss takes down the last 2 fries at once to finish off this epic battle between Floss and the Mountain of Meat.
It took 32 minutes, and Floss came out victorious. Stay tuned for post-game comments from the Champ himself.
The Floss is ready. The eating challenge will occur. If any of you are questioning what the Floss has been eating this week in preparation, it is none other than burgers. Since I had 4 1/3LB burgers at my disposal, the Floss ate 4 over the past three days. No way the Floss will get burger-ed out. Tonight's dinner is going to be a chicken breast and some leftover Mac N' Cheese. Not exactly fasting. Focus is really the only thing that could get in the Floss' way tomorrow.
The Details
2 PM approx start time, TV could get into the way, so maybe like 2:08 2 1LB Little Joe Burgers w/tomatoes, onions, and BBQ sauce 1 Order of French Fries Unlimited Beverages Unlimited Condiments (Ketchup, BBQ, Hot Sauce) 40 Min Time Limit
The time limit was comprised of some easy math: Steelers Points(38) + Dorin Dickerson(2) John Malecki(74) - Ray Graham(34) 13 Tyler Palko's(3*13) + Larry Fitzgerald (1) 1/2 Nate Byham(1/2 * 80) Dan Mason(40)
Really it is just a great number.
TRIVIA QUESTION This is a new segment. I will try to make a question that is pretty difficult and related to the week's Floss. I know all of you are smart readers, and I trust your Googling skills, so please just guesstimate. The winner each week can ask a question to the Floss that he will answer provided that it is a question that can be answered in less than 5 or 6 sentences.
How many more calories are in a McDonald's Big Mac than in one serving of a piece of KFC Grilled Chicken?
Before I embark on my comeback Floss, I would just like to say I am happy with all of the fan support wanting the return. That being said, please do not comment negatively about how long its been. Don't live in the past people. Here we go...please read all of the post cause the Floss knows everyone will enjoy the last part.
WHAT I'M FEELIN' Biwwie(Billy) da kid Stull. 5th in the nation in passer efficiency. There isn't a person around who saw this coming. Not even Biwwie himself probably expected 11 TD's to 1 INT, plus a rushing TD. Coming in at 52 and 53 on the list Terrelle Pryor and Daryll Clark respectively. Who's the real Heisman contender?
WHAT I'M NOT FEELIN' This disgusting cold the Floss has. Really it sucks because I'm not sick enough to justify skipping class and going to Student Health. I mainly avoid Student Health at all costs cause it's no fun to be overweight, chew 3 cans a week, and drink 4 nights a week most weeks. No one likes that let down. Just let the Floss get the fuckin' swine baby.
WHAT I'M FEELIN' Big Joe's Pizzeria and Deli. None of yinz or y'all know much about this gem of an establishment that has been in Oakland since only July. A brief rundown, they sell 1 pound burgers, 24 inch hoagies, and the Panther Pie(Pepperoni, Sausage, Ham, Capicolla, Bacon, Salami, Mozzerella, Provolone). Talk about schmeaty and cheesy. Not too mention I met Big Joe, he truly is a Big Joe. Anybody with a menu as stacked as his should be a fat guy. ALWAYS trust a fat guy serving your food.
WHAT I'M NOT FEELIN' Hippies. The G-20 really brought some terrible people into da Burgh da Burgh da Burgh and also to Oakland. Really, hippies are the worst people no doubt. Forget race, ethnicity, gender, religion, etc. I don't care, hippies are the worst. They wear old, tattered clothes. They smell like grundle mix with porta potty. They have long, grimy, sometimes braided hair. They act like they are poor and the economy is screwing them, yet they have 96 piercings and are covered in tattoos. All things that cost money. Worst people.
WHAT I'M FEELIN' Ben Roethlisberger. He looks good this year, like really good. He won't win the MVP or probably go to the Pro Bowl, but expecting another ring is not out of the question. Plus last night, he became a member of Degeneration X. No quarterback holds that record.
WHAT I'M NOT FEELIN' My North Carolina suit. A distant cousin of the yinzer suit, the Carolina suit the Floss wore while visiting COF in Greensboro consisted of jeans, a tucked in white t, and a Jim Beam baseball hat. Little did I know, we went to legitimate bars where most people were in the college aged crowd and were not hicks at all. Epic Fail.
WHAT I'M FEELIN'--QUICK HITTERS -Southern Hospitality -Rashard Mendenhall and Mike Wallace -Strippers -Everything about football season -The 2 A's I got back yesterday -The breast cancer awareness hats in the NFL -A return Floss
WHAT I'M NOT FEELIN'--QUICK HITTERS -Bret Favre's success, disgusting -Limas Sweed -The SEC bias -Jon Gruden as a MNF analyst minus the Pitt plug
*********EATING CHALLENGE
The Floss has scheduled an eating challenge for himself this Friday at approx. 1PM. Back to Big Joe's and his Little Joe burger. I ate one this past Friday with an order of fries. It is a legit 1 LB burger, literally no fat runs off. It was unbelievably great tasting. This Friday the Floss will be embarking on a mission to eat 2 of them. The burgers will contain cheese, onions, tomatoes, and BBQ sauce. Before anyone asks for a change of time or date, let me just say that this time was specifically chosen to keep the Floss from drinking on Thursday(money's tight) and keeping Friday open as a drinking evening, since the burgers should digest by about 7 or 8. I would love any LFOF(Loyal Followers of the Floss) who reside in Oakland to attempt to attend the event. Some potential rule items, how many minutes? Right now I'm between 32(number of oz of meat) and 60 minutes(even hour) for time. Should the Floss be forced to eat an order of fries as well? Unlimited drinks during or restricted amount of water? Look for a Friday afternoon post to summarize the event. Leave comments. Thank You.
When the Floss started this blog it was a mere effort to rival the TruthBrush blog run by two of the Floss' favorite people, JahBanni(Truth Brush) or whatever he is known to you and Aimin' for Failure. It was set up to poke fun at them as well as the Floss. The FalseFloss was created for an orginal core group of LFOF(Loyal Followers of the Floss). As the Floss has grown, as has the number of LFOF. Many of the new LFOF(Mr. Shenanigans and Jesus Stanecsworth in particular, also Dub Nick) are great people who provide great commentary and insightful comments about whatever topics were addressed in the Floss.
This is the 99th post in the history of the FalseFloss. The comments section on the FalseFloss started out with about an average of maybe 2 to 3 comments per blog. Nowadays, we hit 10+ with most posts. I used to be happy about reaching 10+ comments, but it has gotten out of control. Every post has turned into a pissing match between the MC(Mad Commenter) and his weekly target(s). Truthfully, you have had about 4 funny jokes EVER. Calling you out probably will only add fuel to your fire, but I don't care because this is just getting out of hand.
Honestly, the FalseFloss is done with your bullshit. It's fucking over you piece of shit Internet tough guy. I used to be worried that the MC was a LFOF in disguise, but after the last comment in "Beard Season" I realized that you couldn't possibly be a LFOF. No one that the Floss converses with will EVER challenge the meaning of sports in today's society.
Am I a sad person because in the morning instead of watching any local or national news in the morning, I tune into Mike and Mike and listen about sports? No I'm not. Is it sad that the 3rd and 4th websites I visit each day are Pantherlair.com and Pantherdigest.com? Actually that might be sad, but it's because that DOES matter to me more than all of the other bullshit in this country. Seriously, am I supposed to wake up and care about the current political issues? Try and make a compelling argument that any of that matters more than sports. So what if I care about what 30 college players the Steelers bring to their SouthSide facilities more than who wins a local state representative election. Do I take sports to seriously? ABSOLUTELY. I will be the first to admit that sports for me turn emotional way too much when they are meant to be entertainment. However, they do mean a HELL of a lot to me. When the Steelers won the SuperBowl did it change my life in any significant way? Probably not, but I will always remember the day we took home number 6. The same way Mr. Shenanigans will remember seeing his first title in Philly's history. Not too mention these are happy moments that we will remember throughout our lives. Sports are the good memories people remember, sadly they can be cloudied by some of the sadder things that will be remembered like the shooting of the 3 Pittsburgh Police Officers. I want to tell my kids some day about Larry Fitzgerald almost ruining the Super Bowl for me, but Ben Roethlisberger leading one of the best drives EVER to win the game. Just like Mr. S will tell his kids about seeing Brad Lidge strikeout the last batter for the DRays(sure he knows the name) and the legendary call from Harry Kalas. These are the things that last on forever and ever. The way it should be.
After saying all of this, I don't even care what comments you can make. The Floss has just discovered that since the blog is essentially mine that I have all rights to delete comments made by anyone for any reason. So I would just like to let you know that your comments will not be had on the Floss any more. As the FalseFloss carries itself into and beyond the Century Mark post, we will be doing it without the MC to provide his miserable and awful commentary.
Thank You LFOF for all of your commentary over the 99 posts. Please make comments about what you would like to see in the 100th post.
WV: DoucheBag
I am glad the False Floss will continue without the comments of the MC, boy was he a DOUCHEBAG.
